Wandering through ghats of Benaras (Varanasi) lost in our objective world, searching for a place anywhere we could find good coffee and power source.
We wanted to go to Lucy; the name has a lot to do in my life, Once, Lucy said to me you have a good voice, it was my other half who loved her not me, i made sure we meet, in this world under the full moonlight.
We never met the union was there but not through my body. We moved and then we arrived at Lucy.
I was asked to sit outside lucy, Anurag said let's sit upstairs, I answered let's sit outside for a while not knowing how she would enter into my life from the same door i wish to wait for her.
She looked outside, and i was playing flute outside the door, the silence was there it was her who would shape me for the incoming stillness, my full moon.
When i looked at her, it was mostly a girl of the 21st century; her face was outwards, smiling at me as if she knew me, slender in shape, short haircut and was wearing pop culture converse sneaker. (Typically dressed in jeans (21st century)). There was a meaning attached to her outwardly looks, but i dropped it for the sake of my understanding.
When she came closer at that moment my body(in my belly) gripped in some response by her calls, it was invisible. Some explosions of a different kind it was anxiety i suppose.
I get excited when i meet them who is usually practicing some form of isolation through inner work. Priya was different, but sooner i realized her mode of communication is different just like sometimes i communicate through my eyes or my leg or my feelings.
I could feel she was reserved, I asked her something, and she wrote down on note pad "I am sorry, i have taken silence to get some clarity." the notepad is now with me.
I wondered through her curls of silence, and it was then i wanted her to come closer to me and speak in my heart, possibly that was happening already.
She came with total clarity where her music was only breathing; it was so simple that all of the commotions around me ultimately concluded, it was her and her absolute stillness.
She was reading Shiva to Shankara, which i finished in one day to impress her that i can read for you which went un-noticed. The only thing i got from her is a smile and an expression of amazement.
Shiva to Shankara was about completing the other half of a hermit through various means of material and spiritual methods. Goddess transforms shiva in householder, a being of regenerative energy.
It was her way of transforming my energy into something creative. I wanted to do it myself, but i think there was a need for her to complete it.
We exchanged communication through a note, writing back and forth without transferring much from lips. It was not required; meanwhile, Anurag was gaping what is going on.
She asked me, "how close do you feel yourself?" , "She wanted to smile, but she was stopping it."
She also mentioned that she has some chaos, running through her life,
I wanted to know everything about her, did not wish to go beyond the idea of trying, not worth it, let things reveal itself to order of improvable.
Observing her unbeknown closely, I expected her to be around since she has to come back for her book.
She came, and we again exchanged silence, she said she has to go for her dhyana. I asked her if i can join her? She said yes, but somehow there was a force which wouldn't let me do that (Force of social prejudice, i hope she can get out of it, there is no need to define anything to anyone)
In the end, the time came where she said. I have to go Sarnath would you want to join me, after asking her that if there is a way that i can join her in silence, Sarnath and yes, i wanted to go anywhere for her.
She said let's meet at 4.30 in the morning , it was raining whole night , i was wondering how will she manage to come out , i messaged her around 3.45 that hey, its raining do you want to go, she said it's your call we can meet in the morning, i said no, lets meet now. She left with her phone number on the notepad previous night.
The night was small, raining.
No way to communicate, no money, i was nothing there was an old guy a rickshaw puller (Tri-cycle) he said to me let me first have tea then we will leave, i said no, let's go now, you can drink there on the crossing of godowlia,
We left, i could see water everywhere it was flooded, i guess i was wondering what is going to happen but not wondering anything beyond that point, flowing.
Given that my eyes cannot see far it was all distortion in front of me,
I could not see her at the crossing. Rickshaw guy started drinking his tea and asked me to call her. I couldn't say much to him. I was looking around and asking him to wait. He was kind towards my behavior.
We were supposed to meet there but after messaging Anurag and then using my laptop to get in touch with her. I was at ease that she was inside an ATM, i had to ask her money also to pay this rickshaw guy. For my behavior, he charged 100 rupees.
Then it all started.
Rain is not going to stop now,
This place is an escape from VNS, Sleepy town
Beautiful place to be here for silence
Whither? To Sarnath, possibly around 10 KMS,
Do you want to speak
There was a snake in her finger. I am a snake. Also, i could not tell her. It was copper. I have copper also in my body.
After a 10 km in an Auto, we stopped
Let's go to the temple, Persistence of an auto driver to stay there and wait for us without taking any money.
Like he has to deliver us to those gates.
I said it would take time. The auto guy said it is ok you go.
Probably the auto guy left.
Meditation in silence in the first temple,
Tea break it was,
I want to break my silence for you, but i am not sure
Not sure where to go and what to do, some monasteries
Someone is waiting for us in one of the monasteries we did not have to try
We were love and wisdom.
I am still learning flute, her sister also play
Its an alchemy of my breathing
The pipe is closer to my heart.
IATA codes for cities VNS and LKO, i asked her what is for Pune, she did not know.
The less i know, the more i remember.
Its an iteration of actions, a loop where if the conditions break
You are quiet. Reaction over contemplation.
I am going to laugh like an idiot, and I am the right person to answer everything there are no mundane reactions,
I swear to this earth. I am compassionate. I am god, simple, basic
Complexity is not intelligence; it could be you are dumb, in the order of social fabric, where everything is complex
I talk to myself. I am talking to myself not-realizing that this whole illusion is my creation. Why fear something when this is not real, fear is also not real. Death is not the end for this illusion; Anurag thinks that this whole world is a simulation a code.
I don't wish to know who i was in past life.
Near-death i was, now we are going to paradoxes.
Something personal, don't imagine anything.
I know i am going to live 80 years.
Do we change the body
Do i believe that death is not the end?
Are you aware of yourself?
You are loose,
the fear of not using time properly if surrounded by people.
I don't feel lonely
i have learned to live alone
Exclusively loved by nature.
I don't get stuck in mundane thoughts,
Who gets to decide who lives or dies?
Why some people die and some not, but eventually others die.
It seems like a mystery or misery.
I wonder what my story is. I am not asking your usual life story.
I am an imaginary person. The identity does not exist.
I want to exist after this world.
Gain your consciousness. You can live forever.
What about your filters, where did you lose them.
Ah, i am a pandora box.
No, i am not, i want to be nothing
Wanting to be nothing is also a want where you want the no, thing.
Zero, i am.
I have understood everything as it is.
My existing is not intentional, but i do know
this body allows me to gain consciousness
Hoping to happen.
I am sure it's infinite.
Low tides, high tides. The cycle of energy, consciousness as matter,
A room dark full of matter, the light comes, and you see, how you see that is consciousness
It's the eye,
I am ekant.
Did you talk to a tree?
I used to sit under the tree for hours and write poems.
Vipassana, i tried but couldn't go, now heading there
I want to go inside.
What are you playing
Some memories and abstract form from the future and past.
I want to leave if you're going to
Everything is on me.
Do i look weird, why people are staring at me?
I have been dynamic in Benaras,
Get rid of your hair, and i want to have that confidence one day.
Not today then never.
I walk a lot, let's hear some music, let's play
Lets dance, let go back
Some plans never work out.
Burning ghats, that's where i die.
Now i know everything about myself.
Contemplation above reaction, a passage acts as inertia.
I have been pushed to understand that silence means the absence of meaning; words can be manipulating and corruptive; silence is purity.
Learn this from the waters: in mountain clefts and chasms, loud gush the streamlets, but great rivers flow silently.
It never happened, an illusion which we probably never want to accept.
Touch and Experience
The real experience came from her touch, where i asked her and introduced to contact dance, she understood it while in motion with me. Her hands were ready and receiving my touch. I was hesitating before she was open about my indulgence in her body.
Illusion to reality, she came to me and hugged before leaving, i wanted more, i proposed to kiss her.
I walked behind her when she started running, and she knew if she would stay there with me, it is going to be one, nothing will remain because when zero divides something greater then zero it goes infinite she resisted infinity.
She left without saying much. Finally, i ran towards her and said goodbye, she replied, how do you know this is our last meeting.
I am zero, and she is nothing, indeterminant.
I am burning alive.
It was the end where we sat next to pyres of Benaras; we were burning alive, and the process was in front of us. Dissolving in fire and thus in ashes, nothing can stop this, i wanted to, but poor me i tried.
Permanence is an illusion; nothing holds in the event of death. The silence of the cosmos felt when i die, all of my resolves come to an end without suffering i am at ultimate ease.
She died, i lived she was right 80 years.