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29.06.2021

I love someone else, but not you.

Evening time, came back home, C is usually out, I found her home at the same time when I was home; this is the time where we usually both go out and explore on our own and recollect those experiences on the bed. In one of the conversations related explicitly to coffee ideas, I suggested she stayed home, and we guys could go and do the coffee plantation project. She did not like what I just spoke, and her tone did not reflect anything about what i just said. She walked furiously like someone trying to escape. I remember watching her; she does not like anything, eye contact would be problematic with her. That is how I get to know she is not happy. She walked towards Kitchen with incredible speed; if there had been an audience, they would have shouted in her support. Instead, she responded with dramatic enthusiasm, used the expression "great", and said with a great emphasis on "Yeah, you can "spend" more time with Eden. I could not understand what she wanted to express. I am, as usual, unaware of these areas.

There is something about Cici that surprises me a lot that she feels a lot and spend her energy on the other person, which makes me realise that she is constantly aware of the other person. I have found out she is feeling the same point as I am on.

Meeting Eden is like meeting a shift worker in a daily store, dressed in colourful, just out of work and going to close the shop, smoke a cigarette, go home, and beat his wife. He looked like any 18 years old colourful and full of energy. Later, getting to know Eden is in deep troubles because of his habit patterns and expectations from the people around him. These people are pretty fucked up in themselves but expect Eden to behave in a certain way. That way is fucking up the whole surrounding around him. In a way, it's a set boundary. He is subject to previous unresolved archetypes and messed up push and pull outside and inside.

When he was closing the cafe, we began talking in a casual mood, interacting about art since he mentioned in the first meeting that he is learning how to draw perspectives. So, I said, maybe we will catch up soon and see your art; he could not wait and showed something like lines and geometrical shapes and buildings and architecture.

The next day while fiddling around with the iPad. He saw me cropping an image where I was taking out the logo of the BMW steering wheel and putting it overlay on a different picture. He asked with excitement. Do you have a Bimmer? I realised then; this guy is interested in cars but with no purpose since discounting his age. I thought, typical how shiny material is corrupting for someone like him; little did i know that just because of this car, he would trust me with him his life later.

That's when I noticed his eyes grew bright, and he saw an opportunity to taste something new. I could see that I noticed the sudden change of attitude in him. I remember asking him, maybe you would like to drive the car? I became the devil that moment. I realised I am stepping into a zone of good and evil.

The start of our friendship is quite like how any relationship would start; we swap information. Still, in more verbal and non-verbal and displaying all of that in physical and mental planes, I mean you cannot show what you have in your head, besides art became our medium of exchange to start the initial discussion. It was the beginning of April when all of this was happening; about the same time, Taariq from Dharmshala called me up and invited me over to Ludhiana; that's another story, but maybe for another time.

I remember seeing Eden late evening in the cafe and asked him, Hey would you like to join me for a short trip to Ludhiana? Without any hesitation, he said okay. That trip introduced Eden to me; it was like two friends driving, hanging out, sleeping, eating, doing everything by taking time off. We talked at length about life, sexuality, dance, drugs. We only spoke; we did nothing of that sort. I could feel the urgency in Eden to experience the other life. I never got to know his different life, and there were many lives he wishes to live. Still, no clear guidance and, like any other boy at his age, confused and filled with energy.

Eden typical day is about helping his father if he manages to get along with him; if not, usually, he is sidelined by his father. His relationship with his father is quite dynamic, obviously; at this age, where do you think all of this testosterone would go? Part of his day is spent around with his family or his hostel peers. He did not like staying at his hostel; what i could find out after visiting his hostel, quality of life is sad. Eden is a data worker hooked on social media and gives away a lot of time for free.

Everything changed after the trip, and we were meeting almost every day and trying to figure out different ideas. I was proposing different ways of arranging things also where and how I can be his help. Auroville is failed township promising a larger than life risk appetite, but nothing remarkable has come out of that land so far. This fear drives Mr Eden out of this place with constant restlessness in his body. Finally, Eden opened up; layer's after layers, over walks, we talked about his addiction to masturbation and women, where women of different age groups were sexually using him for their pleasure. He wanted a relationship, but none was there for him.

Living in Auroville can be depressive. One gets objectified sexually, abused and wanted by the woman of different age groups. I think it's primarily a sign of not adjusting oneself with the other person and falling out from the relationship. These situations arise when you have entitlement issues with self-referencing your own body and mental state. I observed this in Eden and Johnson.

Man, talks and talks and talks nothing else. Eden would read out koans and sayings, like "Don't bite my finger when I am pointing at the moon". I have never fully understood what do they mean. But, I guess that's the aim. Trying to find the fabric out of the maze, thinking one could solve it, is another futile work. Knowledge signalling was at full power, knowing that there is a reward for every bit of knowledge. Still, there was fear amongst all; no one ever revealed the complete understanding. The goal was different, and the working methodology is unlike before, so all systems failed—need of safety net exposing all relationships, no truths ever revealed. I learned we moved.

Eden started calling me home, living a non-fancy life that he does not like. He didn't want people he lived around; that's a way of building his truth. I know he would go back to the same people once broken. Later, I realised that Eden is a needy guy, selfishly asking me to take him out to dinner and openly demanding that as a friend, I should take him to the best place in town since I could afford that. I realised I am feeding a kid with the expectation that he will grow and act mature. The great thing is that neither a good restaurant nor his character development happened simultaneously. Still, since he realised I don't have such similar thoughts, I would always take him to places that I like small and inexpensive with less fancy food.

Food was the only point where we met. After meeting Eden, I always felt draining. Consideration of his all needs was my top priority. That's what friends do. The first part of our relationship went considerably distinguished, and we did a lot of things that we could, talked about things that we could not. I did not know that he would keep a lot of sensitive items within himself. I wish he could have openly spoken those things rather than keeping them and making himself restless. Sometimes, these situations occur when Eden took my words so seriously, forgetting he has to contribute in that making. He could have taken me as his father, but that sad person thought, like everyone else, I wanted his body(Sometimes it happen, since the day I have learned to control my body urges and only expressed through specific ways).

The other part of the story later.

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